The picture is me around 14/15 years old and probably at the lowest id ever been weight wise and mentally.
As a kid I was big, about 16 stone big at 11 years old. I would get bigger over the next year. I comfort ate to deal with home life and then I comfort ate to deal with bullies. I had a weight nurse for the start of high school, which was no good, just a lady that scribbled on some paper and I got out of class for half an hour. These nurses were all book learned and none that I ever met had real experience of any form of eating issues which to me makes a world of difference.
The bullying would leave huge mental scars even comments from friends said in jest but to me were just as bad will never leave me. Physical education was mental torture, getting changed around everyone was the worst id get comments about my weight and more directed at having a fatty chest.
I soon realised that I could control this side of bullying by loosing weight so that was it I went from hiding packets of biscuits and chocolate down the side of my bed to hiding food so it looked like id eaten. I became a master of moving food around the plate to make it look like id eaten and if I had to eat, well if I didn’t want it, I’d just go throw it up.
Dinners out with the family yep got that covered as well although I’m pretty sure my mom cottoned on to what was going on.
My weight dropped quick, and I went from being bullied for being fat to having my first girlfriend. Awesome life was good…….
All this soon turned in to body hatred That would become body dysmorphia. I hated how my body look I was skinny but what I called skinny fat I felt ok in clothes which ended up with me wear 4 layers pretty much everywhere I went even through summer….in nightclubs.
Food was a fuel that when I needed it, I really needed it and I went to town but then days of picking through meals would follow and this cycle would just repeat itself.
The only times I would forget were when I was mentally in a hole food was still a comfort my little shield.
As I got older and started to take to sports, I quickly realised I would need to start to learn about food and try and develop some form of relationship.
Rock Climbing was my saviour, or should I say the people I would meet around this. Through training plans I found that a structured eating plan was what my head needed. What to eat and when would move my head away from the mess of thinking about what I needed to eat, and I could just focus on the times.
Disordered eating and eating disorders affect people in different ways and they are not noticeable most of the time. And when people start to open up its usually greeted with unthoughtful comments like ‘just eat something’ it’s like treating depression with ‘just be happy, it’s not that simple.
Neurological paths have been created over a period of time that alter the mindset of the individual, so the world becomes this way.
I still to this day have a love hate relationship with my body and food. I love what my body can do in terms of endurance sports, but I hate it. My body weight fluctuates a lot I can hold around 8 pounds of water weight so scales are my worst nightmare STAY OFF SCALES!!
My mental outlook also fluctuates because of this. some days I want to run topless others I could sit and cry and my clothes because I don’t feel comfortable.
My eating is better purely down to it being fuel. If I want to train and train well, I need to fuel my body but there is never a day where I ‘fancy’ anything.
Lockdown was tough as I was desperately trying not to let the weight creep on. I was cycling 20 miles most mornings on a turbo trainer, running in the afternoons with my wife and getting some weight training in, all this on around 1300 calories a day. This ended with me working with a nutritionist who helped me see the reality of what I was doing to myself through this lack of food. I’ve since developed a better a better relationship with food, it’s a work in progress and will more than likely never be 100% but educating ourselves is always the correct path when we know something is not right.
Since using social media more and especially to connect with other runners I see a lot of people suffering with some sort of eating disorder. Just so you know YOU ARE NOT ALONE and there is always space for you to talk.
If nothing else, I hope my writing this helps people see it is ok to talk and show your vulnerabilities your never alone when you open up!
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