It would be wrong to say it is. But the older me has learned that life’s struggles, its up’s and its downs, are all lessons to bigger, better and brighter things.
For me life started off a mess of emotion. A family disconnected and love misplaced.
I learned to say it was ok. You hear of other people and families that have turbulent times and no one talks of the good bits that broke up the bad. So, my story never seemed so hard. In reality, bad times are always followed by a small window of good though they don’t seem it at the time. this led me to think that it was never really that bad. I could compartmentalise the shit from the great. Put the shit in its own box and stuff that away for never. But never isn't and option....
So lets start.
When I was younger it was just me and my brother the elder by 18ish months. Our father was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. To his customers and his mother and father a well-mannered, well-spoken individual and a provider. My mother a strong and clever woman supportive but distant. As we grew, we would understand all our parents’ 'Quirks'
What would start as the odd outburst in front of his kids would soon turn to acts that would stay with us our whole lives.
Playing on the stairs my father raced up, gripping my brother round the throat he would hold him to the ceiling. A word misplaced and we would literally be forced, head held against the bathroom sink, to eat a bar of soap. A hard day we would be hit with a belt or a coat hanger across the bed.
At about 6 years of age on holiday in Cornwall I would race into the hotel room after a morning with my mom and brother only to find my dad had taken a cocktail of medication and alcohol in an attempt to end his own life. We saw everything.
The mental torture of not knowing what mood he would be in was a lot to take as kids.
The images of a man beating on my mother in their bedroom, chasing me down the hallway and beating on me through the duvet for trying to protect my mom would haunt me through my teenage years.
A father that would drink to hide his feelings and everything else would lead to a teenager that just wanted to drink to be comfortable. A jealous and envious role model would lead to years of this in myself.
Moving forward, all these things have helped me grow and also conclude that in life, it’s not ok to be a shit human. A child’s mind is a sponge treat it well and it will flourish but treat it wrong and you will grow something with a closed future
I have been lucky enough to realise the outcome of my life lessons do not define you and have used these experiences with the help of a wonderful close-knit group of friends whom have been with me a long time to turn the shit in to something positive. They help me be mindful and to listen to the universe and myself and not react to emotions negatively.
Through my mindfulness I came to realise that no one talks. it’s still very taboo for people to be open about their feelings. Fear of stepping on someone’s toes or your story not being as bad as someone else's when in reality, however small trauma is trauma, and it affects us all differently.
BUT....
When used correctly this trauma can be harnessed as the greatest catalyst to fuel a life of incredible achievements. So, through my actions and life story I hope to spark up some conversations and spark up some 'what ifs'.
We are all worthy of greatness.... it’s just down to how far you are willing to go to find this.